The power of vulnerability | Brené Brown

The Power of Vulnerability

• Brené Brown starts by telling a story about being asked to give a speech at an event.
• She is unsure how to describe herself in the promotional materials for the event.
• The event planner suggests calling her a “storyteller” instead of a “researcher”.
• Brené initially questions the label, but realizes that she does, in fact, tell stories as part of her profession.

“What I liked about your speech is that you tell stories. So I think I’ll call you a storyteller.”

The Power of Vulnerability

• The speaker reflects on her personal journey and the need to understand vulnerability.

“Si përfundim doli që ishte turpi.”

Understanding Shame and Connection

• Shame can be easily understood as the fear of disconnection.
• The speaker wonders if there is something about her that, if known or seen by others, would make her unworthy of connection.
• Two things to note about shame: it’s universal and everyone experiences it.

“Është universale; të gjithë e kemi.”

Shame and Connection

• Shame is fueled by thoughts like “I’m not good enough” and affects everyone.
• The idea of being vulnerable is to allow ourselves to be truly seen by others.
• The more we talk about shame, the less power it has over us.

“Dhe e dini cfarë mendoj unë për cënueshmërinë? E urrej.”

The Need for Connection

• The fear of not being worthy of connection is what keeps people from forming meaningful relationships.
• The speaker emphasizes the importance of understanding this fear.
• Personally and professionally, she felt the need to delve deeper into this issue.

“Dhe për mua, pjesa më e vështirë e asaj që na mban jashtë lidhjeve, është frika se mos nuk jemi të denjë për të pasur lidhje.”

The Common Theme of Worthiness

• The speaker conducted extensive research, analyzing interviews and stories.
• She discovered that the common theme among people with a strong sense of love and belonging is their belief that they are worthy of it.

“Këta janë njerëz me zemër të madhe, që jetojnë me një ndjenjë të thellë denjësie.”

The Power of Courage

• The common thread among these individuals was their courage to be vulnerable.
• The speaker distinguishes between courage and bravery.

“E përbashkëta e tyre ishte ndjesia e të guxuarit.”

Meaning of the Latin word “cor”

• The Latin word “cor” translates to “heart” in English.
• It represents showing who you truly are with your whole heart.

“It was about showing up and being seen as yourself, with your whole heart.”

Common characteristics of the people studied

• The people analyzed in the research had the courage to be imperfect.
• They had the vulnerability to be authentic and let go of who they thought they should be.
• They embraced their imperfections and were compassionate towards themselves and others.

“They had the courage to be imperfect.”

Embracing vulnerability

• The individuals interviewed fully embraced vulnerability.
• They believed that what made them vulnerable also made them beautiful.
• They recognized that vulnerability was necessary for meaningful connections.

“They fully embraced vulnerability. They believed that what made them vulnerable made them beautiful.”

Finding a therapist

• The speaker decided to seek the help of a therapist during a personal crisis.
• She reached out to her friends for recommendations.
• 5 out of her friends confess they would never have done it.

“The best way to get to know ourselves is to call our friends and ask, ‘Do you think I should see a therapist? Can you recommend someone?'”

The power of vulnerability

• The speaker had a personal revelation that living with vulnerability, rather than trying to control and predict everything, was the best way to live.
• Embracing vulnerability resulted in a spiritual awakening and a shift in how she approached life.

“The best way to live is through vulnerability, not through control and predictability.”

The struggle with vulnerability

• As a therapist herself, the speaker initially resisted the idea of being vulnerable.
• She wanted her therapist to provide strategies rather than discuss family or childhood.

“The problem that I have is that I have an internal struggle with vulnerability.”

The journey to self-acceptance

• The speaker’s personal journey towards self-acceptance and embracing vulnerability lasted for about a year.
• It was a challenging and psychologically intense battle.
• She recognized that not everyone is willing to go on such a journey.

“I am not one of those people who, once they realize that vulnerability and imperfection are important, wholeheartedly embrace it.”

The Power of Vulnerability

• Brené Brown discusses how vulnerability pushed her and how she resisted it.

“Vulnerability pushed, and I pushed back.”

Rediscovering Life

• Brown lost a battle but believes she regained her life.

“I lost the fight, but probably got my life back.”

Curiosity and Understanding

• Brown redirected her personal quest to understand how people with big hearts live and make choices.

“So I started researching vulnerability.”

Exploring Vulnerability

• Brown spent two years studying what people with big hearts do, their choices, and their relationships with vulnerability.

“I’ve spent the past two years trying to understand what vulnerability is.”

Battling Vulnerability

• Brown questions why vulnerability is such a struggle and wonders if she is the only one fighting it.

“Why do we struggle with it so much? … Am I alone in struggling with vulnerability?”

Lessons Learned

• Brown shares a lesson she learned about vulnerability.

“This is what I learned.”

Coping with Vulnerability

• People numb vulnerability by indulging in distractions like waiting for an important phone call.

“We numb vulnerability by waiting for the phone to ring.”

Seeking Others’ Perceptions

• Brown wanted to know how people define vulnerability and what makes them feel vulnerable.

“I wanted to know what you thought.”

Examples of Vulnerability

• Brown lists several vulnerable situations, such as needing help from her spouse, initiating sex, facing rejection, waiting for important calls, and experiencing job loss.

“I asked people to give me examples of vulnerability.”

Living in a Vulnerable World

• Brown states that we live in a vulnerable world and using vulnerability as a coping mechanism is proof of it.

“We live in a vulnerable world… and one of the things we do… is numb vulnerability.”

The Burden of Debt and Addiction

• Brown points out that the current generation is more burdened by debt, obesity, physical and psychological dependency, and reliance on medication.

“We are the most in-debt, obese… medicated adult cohort in U.S. history.”

Inability to Selectively Embrace Emotions

• People struggle with selectively embracing emotions, not being able to say, “I’ll take the good stuff but not the bad stuff.”

“The problem with this [is]… we cannot selectively numb [emotions].”

Embracing All Emotions

• By trying to numb difficult emotions, people also numb positive emotions like joy and happiness.

“We numb joy, we numb gratitude, we numb happiness.”

Chasing Happiness

• Trying to suppress vulnerability leads to constant searching for meaning, feeling continuously vulnerable, and resorting to coping mechanisms like drinking and eating.

“We spend our lives … trying to chase a sense of worthiness and meaning.”

The Danger of Suppressing Emotions

• Suppressing emotions like vulnerability leads to a dangerous cycle where people resort to alcohol and food to numb their feelings.

“And so we go over to vulnerability and we try to make everything that uncertain, certain.”

Reevaluating the Emotion Suppression Approach

• Brown suggests reevaluating how we approach and handle emotions, focusing on why and how we numb them.

“I think one of the things we have to think about is why and how we numb.”

The Illusion of Perfection

• Society upholds the illusion of perfection, making everyone want their lives to be perfect, even though it’s not realistic.

“We want to be perfect… but it doesn’t work.”

Injecting Perfectionism into Children

• Perfectionism is injected into children, making them constantly fight and strive for flawlessness.

“And the worst thing is, we’re doing it to our kids.”

Empowering Children with Acceptance

• Instead of focusing on perfection, our task should be to let children know they are worthy of love and belonging regardless of imperfections.

“But our job is to look and say, ‘You know what? You’re imperfect and you’re wired for struggle, but you are worthy of love and belonging.'”

“I lost the fight, but probably got my life back.”

“The problem with this [is]… we cannot selectively numb [emotions].”

“We numb joy, we numb gratitude, we numb happiness.”

“And so we go over to vulnerability and we try to make everything that uncertain, certain.”

“We want to be perfect… but it doesn’t work.”

“But our job is to look and say, ‘You know what? You’re imperfect and you’re wired for struggle, but you are worthy of love and belonging.'”

The impact of our actions

• We tend to believe that our actions do not affect people around us.
• Whether in our private lives or in the corporate world, we often pretend that our actions have no significant impact on others.
• This mindset persists even when major issues like bankruptcy, environmental disasters, or product recalls occur.
• We need to recognize that this is not a new challenge, especially for corporations.
• The solution lies in being authentic and acknowledging our mistakes.

“We need to be authentic and say, ‘I’m sorry. We’ll fix it.'”

The power of vulnerability

• Allowing ourselves to be truly seen and deeply known by others is essential.
• It can be uncomfortable and daunting, but it is worth embracing.
• We should love with our whole hearts, even without guarantees.
• This requires us to practice gratitude and joy, even in difficult times.
• It challenges us to question if we can truly love someone so deeply, be passionate about something, or be tough when necessary.
• Instead of catastrophizing, we can say, “I’m simply grateful because feeling vulnerable means I’m alive.”

“Let ourselves be deeply seen, vulnerably seen. Love with our whole hearts, even though there’s no guarantee — and that’s really hard. And I’m telling you, as a parent, that’s excruciatingly difficult — to practice gratitude and joy in those moments of terror, when we’re wondering, ‘Can I love you this much? Can I believe in this this passionately? Can I be this fierce about this?’ Just to be able to stop for a moment and instead of catastrophizing what might happen, to say, ‘I’m just so grateful because to feel this vulnerable means I’m alive.'”

Believing in our inherent worth

• It is crucial to believe in our inherent worthiness.
• When we start with the mindset of being “good enough,” everything changes.
• We no longer need to shout to be heard; we start to listen and become more compassionate towards others.
• We are more loving and kinder to ourselves as well.

“Because when we work from a place, I believe, that says, ‘I’m enough,’ then we stop screaming and start listening, we’re kinder and gentler to the people around us, and we’re kinder and gentler to ourselves.”